How to Throw the Perfect Spiral

Ladies, I love pink.  Probably more than Lily and Lauren.  I write this blog while rocking my favorite (hot) pink sweater gazing upon my pink Christmas tree.  And, I’m woman enough to admit this, I once almost purchased a pink Chris Cooley jersey in a moment of post-break-up weakness.  ALMOST.    But Lily and Lauren are right.  At its best, football is a game of tradition and integrity.  Wear your team colors, even if you love the Cleveland Browns.  No pink jerseys.  

(Side note on Chris Cooley:  despite his injury this season and seeming-waning importance to the Redskin offense, he remains my favorite Redskin because of his gregarious personality.  Exhibit 1:  Use your google machine to locate the picture of his privates that he “accidentally” posted on the Internet.  I’d share it with you, but this is not that kind of blog.)

COOOOOOOOLEYYYYY...

But tonight, we’re not waxing poetic about pink or Chris Cooley’s privates.  Tonight, we’re learning how to throw the perfect spiral.

What is a spiral?  I’ll leave it to a physics major to give you the gory details.  But, put simply, a spiral is what a football does when you throw it correctly.  It zips through the air, with purpose, toward its intended target, coiling in tight circles, aka, spirals.  

I learned to throw the perfect spiral from my father.  He believed that girls should learn several key life skills:  to change a tire, to play a hand of poker, and to throw a football.  We spent many Sunday afternoons throwing the ball in our front yard, honing my skills.  Dad’s advice?  I’ve distilled it below with some editorial commentary for good measure.

1. Grip the football with your fingers on the laces, your thumb under the ball for stability. Now, every quarterback positions his or her hands differently and some go rogue and ignore the laces altogether, but let’s stick with convention for now, shall we? And, please excuse me if this is obvious, but it is really important not to giggle about how big the ball is or how difficult it is to grip. Case in point:   “Oh, wow,” the college freshman at the Virginia Tech tailgate shouted to no one in particular, “my hands are sooo small and this ball is soooo big.  I can hardly wrap my hand around it!”  She looked around, coyly waiting for the laugh, but was met with several sighs and her boyfriend’s “anyone want another beer?” 
2. Step forward and plant the foot opposite your throwing arm. 
3. Look at your intended target, draw your arm so that the ball is behind your ear, and throw, following through with your arm, so that it is basically extended out toward your target.  Again, great quarterbacks can throw any which way while looking in any direction.  If this is you, mazeltov.  But let’s stick to basics for now.  Step 3 goes awry when you use your fingers or wrist to propel the ball and it ends up tumbling end over end into the charcoal grill.  So, avoid that. 
4. React appropriately to your throw.

Scenario 1:  you successfully threw the perfect spiral.  Quietly note the nods of appreciation from those around you and repeat.

Scenario 2:  you hit the ground, the grill, a parked vehicle, or a small child.  Shake it off.  Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, I say.  Try again. 

Either way, do not squeal, jump up and down, spin in circles, or do anything that you did at your 6 year-old birthday party.  It is theoretically possible that your man might find this adorable.  But his male friends are cringing and comparing you to his last girlfriend who didn’t do that AND cooked killer kielbasa.  Worse yet, his female friends are laughing politely with you but inside are vowing not to hold your hair back if you have too much to drink before halftime.  

One of many things I love about my dad is that he was always so proud of all my (and my siblings) accomplishments.  He’d greet a 100% on a spelling test with a big, crinkly smile.  “Way to go, that’s just great!”  But when he and his friends would get together to watch the Redskins/Dallas games, I’d never overhear him tell them I was an excellent speller.  “Did you know Jenny can throw a perfect spiral,” he’d announce proudly.  Ah, mastery.  Such a great feeling!  Ladies, looking forward to seeing what you all can do! 

Yours in football,

Jen